Thursday, September 21, 2006

Please Read! Important Warning!

Wow, I haven't written anything of substance on here for a week. In the absence of time, I will give you an important warning that Ashley e-mailed me. Perhaps I will be able to write something of more substance in the next few days, as time permits. For now, read the below cautions carefully! I was rather dubious when all of those "low-carb" diets came out a few years ago, but it looks like they had the right idea after all.


Dangers of Bread

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.


I'm handing this out in my statistics class next week :). It's a good object lesson, no?

Perhaps you've also heard this one: The mortality rate for those who eat carrots is 100%. Yikes! I guess I'll have to stop eating my favorite snack food ;-).


Mr. Baggins said...

Absolutely hilarious, Susan.

John Dekker said...

Yes, it was good - but I thought at first that you wrote it yourself, and I was disappointed when I read the intro. :(

I think I prefer the piece about "dihydrogen monoxide".

But #9 here is brilliant.

Ashley said...

Heheh that's cracked me up - again! :-) I think my favorite is #8 - "harder" items like *gasp* Jelly!

Ashley said...

Question, is anyone able to get to this post by going to the main page of this site? I can see this post in and go to it from my blog aggregator, but even though I cleared my cache I still don't see it on . Just wondering if it's me or if that's happening to everyone.

Adrian C. Keister said...

I concur with Mr. Baggins and Ashley.

In Christ.

Susan said...

#8 is probably my second favorite, Ashley, but does anyone else not find #2 the best??? It's classic because most people have no concept of percentiles and such. FULLY HALF are below average? Shocking! ;-D

Jessie said...

Hey, that's really funny! I was told about the dangers of water once... I need to look it up again.
Sorry I've been so absent around here!

Jessie said...

Aha! I see John's heard of the article I was remembering!

Becky Miller said...

I guess I better stick with bagels, English muffins, and pitas to be safe.

John Dekker said...

Yeah, the shocking facts about Dihydrogen Monoxide can be found here. Apparently it's a major component of acid rain...

I'd heard quite a few variations of #2 before. But on a related note, here are some interesting statistics:
- About 95 percent of people think they have above-average driving skills. (here, but it sounds dubious)
- 70 percent think they have above average cooking knowledge.(here)

Susan said...

The Dihydrogen Monoxide warnings were even better (considerably so) than the bread warnings, John. Thanks for the laugh :).

Sherrin said...

I love it!

helen said...

I love it! A very amusing thing to read while waiting for a Delta sales agent to hurry up and find me tickets. :-)

Eltinwe said...

An absurdly belated post, but this is typical for me, really. A mile behind and a year too late.

Lovely post. Something about correlation not being the same as causation... or even relevancy. I've seen the dihydrogen monoxide many times before, and the bread take was a refreshing and amusing change.