. . . A nameless fear.
Sorry. *snaps out of Lord of the Rings mood* :)
You know, I was rereading some of my archives from last fall, in conjunction with a post I was drafting, and two things stood out to me: (1) how insanely long most of my posts were, and (2) how downright bitterly-sarcastic and holier-than-thou I sounded at times. *cringe* I'm not planning on deleting any of my past posts, but I would definitely say that some of my posts from last fall were not written in love.
So, I would like to make a disclaimer that I do not ringingly endorse my tone in all of my past blog entries. In general I still agree with the content, though there are likely a few exceptions. My prayer is that my posts in the last several months (since God slapped me awake) have had a spirit of humility and broken-heartedness, quite different from some of my posts last fall. I am but a broken Pharisee, not someone who "has it all together." I am a broken vessel that the Lord chooses to use, and it is through my brokenness that God's grace so often shines.
My blog anniversary is bringing to mind many of my old posts - the good, the bad, the ugly. I think I subconsciously started this blog with the intention of broadcasting my correct, conservative opinions to the world, in the hopes of finding cookie-cutter replicas of myself (since the general rabble weren't good enough for me) and in the hopes of setting other people straight on just how wrong they are.
Many of my past posts give hints of that, though I hid it pretty well, even from myself. I was in self-denial that I had legalist tendencies, especially since these tendencies were literally years in the making. My motives were to forward my own good reputation, not primarily to glorify God. And I had even tricked myself. Legalism is one of the most blinding of sins.
If I could summarize these past 9 months, it would undoubtedly be "the grace of God." I have walked through so much this past year, as God has answered my prayers in ways I would not have guessed, yet ways I would not trade for anything. He had to break me to mold me. He had to shame me to begin to exalt me. He had to reprimand me to love me. And He had to sacrifice His own son to forgive my own sinful pride.
That is love.