Tim Keller, on marriage

My pastor has given Adrian and me nine sermons on marriage to listen to; it's a series by Tim Keller, PCA pastor from New York City. We've been trying to listen to one or two a week, and then discuss them over the phone. I highly recommend them, and I think I speak for Adrian too when I say that :-).

Tim Keller defines deep marriage oneness as coming from the process of two people journeying to a common horizon. For the Christian, this common horizon is heaven, and the journey together sanctifies. The whole series just oozes grace, but I especially like what Keller has to say about the sanctifying effects of marriage. He talks about how focusing on this common horizon and on sanctification can give a married person a vision of what God wants his spouse to become, and what they will be someday without the shackles of sin. And we should want others to catch that same glimpse of the beauty of this person.

Keller talks about the "glory self" and the "dross" in a person. The glory self is the person deep inside, the potential that God will bring to fruition in glorification. We get glimpses of this glory self in others sometimes, just as we get glimpses of a covered mountain when a wind blows away the clouds of fog for a brief moment. The dross in a person is the sin, the filth that God will slowly burn away through trials - and one of the ways He purifies people in this is by marriage. Marriage is a very sanctifying experience.

Now comes the part of one of his sermons that particularly struck both Adrian and me. Keller is speaking about dross and says that a non-Christian (or any spouse that is not Christ-centered, since Christians are not immune to self-centeredness) will look at the dross, the filth in his spouse and become disillusioned and discontented by his spouse, and say "I can envision someone better." This is why marriages end; one spouse wants to seek for someone who is better.

A Christian should look at his spouse, and not ignore the dross blindly. And he should say, like the non-Christian, "I can envision someone better." But the Christian should be envisioning his spouse as that "better" person, purified and sanctified; he should want the perfection that his spouse will become - the glory self that has been glimpsed - not chase after someone else's perfection. And he has the privilege of helping his spouse grow into that person. Wow. That is the promise, the beauty of the Gospel.

A Side-by-Side Comparison

The greatest (because it's so awful!) movie proposal in all of cinema, in my opinion, is Darcy's first proposal to Lizzy, a la A&E. That scene is absolutely delightful. Hehe. Here is the approximate text:

In vain I have struggled; it will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. In declaring myself thus, I am fully aware that I will be going expressly against the wishes of my family, my friends, and I hardly need add my own better judgment. The relative situation of our families is such that any alliance between us must be regarded as a highly reprehensible connection. Indeed as a rational man I cannot but regard it as such myself, but it cannot be helped. Almost from the earliest moments of our acquaintance, I have come to feel for you a passionate admiration and regard, which despite all my struggles has overcome every rational objection and I beg you, most fervently, to relieve my suffering and consent to be my wife.

I much prefer this version:

In vain I have struggled; it will not do. My feelings can not be expressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. In declaring myself thus, I am fully aware that I will be going expressly according to the wishes of my family, my friends, and I hardly need add my own better judgment. The relative situation of our familes is such that any alliance between us must be regarded as a highly commendable connection. Indeed as a rational man I cannot but regard it as such myself, but it cannot be helped. Almost from the earliest moments of our meeting, I have come to feel for you a passionate admiration and regard, which despite all my encouragement has only added to all the other rational reasons we should be married; and I beg you, most fervently, to relieve my suffering and consent to be my wife.

What do you think? I rather think the second proposal is a great improvement, and terribly romantic. Especially if delivered on both knees, at sunset, by a duck pond, in a circle of stones under a cluster of trees. Now really, what girl could ask for a sweeter proposal? :-D And of course, really the more important detail is who is doing the asking. To complete the lovely scene, one must assume that the man doing the asking is the woman's man of her dreams. Just imagine in your mind's eye that he's sweet, sensitive, godly, handsome, intelligent, well-read, full of God-given grace, and wonderful in uncountable other ways, perfectly suited for the woman in question. Now that would be a romantic proposal. Why didn't Austen think of that?

Silly Me

Apparently, it would be far better for my health and wealth if I stay single, so I admit I'm such a silly girl for wanting to get married. *slaps self for insanity* There are even 10 reasons why I - and other singles - should stay just that - single.

The interesting thing is, the reasons are rather self-centered. Hmm. Of course it's easier in many ways to not be accountable to someone else, and to not have to serve someone else! This shouldn't be news! It's a pity that that is the only side that many can see, though :-(. Really, I found the whole article incredible, but then, why should I? This is the "me" generation, who considers everything in light of what is "in it" for "me." What's the easiest way out? Here are a few tidbits:

Attention, unmarried people of America: You can splurge on a fancy new wristwatch without having to explain yourself. You can stay out till 3 a.m. without having to phone home. You can leave the toilet seat up. In fact, there are many, many ways that single life rocks, though you may forget that fact when your relatives are grilling you about settling down.

You do less housework. . .

So the message here is for unmarried women to enjoy their less chore-filled life; fill those free hours with classes, good books, blabbing with friends—whatever makes you happy.

You can do what you want with your money. . .

Go ahead: Splurge on that pricey moisturizer or that obscenely large plasma TV you’ve been lusting after. You don’t have to justify your purchase to anyone but yourself.

You're more self-aware. . .

“People who aren’t married are still investing in themselves,” says Davis. “It’s not selfish—it’s giving to yourself, and that’s something married people can learn from single people.”

Since I have a few young readers, I won't post the most blatantly unBiblical reason, for fear of offending, but to my mature readers, I reference #5 in the article, which really gets to the heart of the matter. Can you say "sowing wild oats"?

To read the whole article, go here. HT: Ashley

Now, certainly God has given some the gift of singleness, and many other singles would like to get married but haven't found that "special someone." I'm not speaking against that! I'm irritated by the "stay single to rule your own life" mentality. I'm speaking against the mentality that says that marriage and children, two wonderful blessings from God, are inconveniences and not worth the sacrifice.

So, I decided, as a young single girl who hopes to be married soon, that I'm going to retaliate and write "10 fascinating benefits to being married, to counter the article's "10 fascinating benefits to being unmarried." Here we go:

1. You have someone to admire you for more than just your body, someone to stay by your side when you're old and wrinkled and no longer care about looking perpetually 21.

2. You're more likely to achieve great things. I totally disagree with the article's point #2, and I've seen data to prove my point. Men are far more likely to do well in business if they have a supportive wife and family. And women? What greater impact can you have on the world than to raise its future inhabitants?

3. You have someone beside you to share life's burdens. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.

4. The living cost for one person, versus averaging the cost for two people in one household, is far more. Economically, it is far more economical to share living costs. And children that may come along later? They're cheaper by the dozen :-D.

5. You are given a picture of Christ's love for His church, which is Holy and exclusive. Husbands have the opportunity to be a vessel of God's love to their wives, loving them, cherishing them, and laying their lives down for them, as Christ laid down His life for the church. Wives have the opportunity to serve their husbands and families as the church serves Christ, in loving devotion and honor.

6. You have a life-size teddy bear, and you have someone to challenge you intellectually. You have someone to work with you to solve life's puzzles and to seek out new knowledge with you.

7. You have a shoulder to lean on when you are down, and a listening ear to hear your troubles. You have open arms when you need comfort.

8. You get to live with your best friend.

9. You have a partner on life's journey.

10. You get to spend the rest of your life getting to know someone inside and out.

Now, I'm not saying all 10 of these benefits come easily. Even I, who have not been married, know that. And I think the author of the article knows many of the benefits I mentioned. But she, like me, knows that those benefits don't just happen. Marriage is hard work, as I'm sure any married person would agree. Remaining best friends with someone when you see his very worst faults is not just going to happen without a lot of love and a lot of grace. We'd all like someone else to be there to serve us, but living your life as service for another isn't quite as appealing. It sounds like. . . work. And it is :-). But work can be a drudgery or a sweet calling, and I think the author of the article completely missed that second choice.

John Piper's Letter to His Wife

First, thank you all so much for your wonderful comments while I was gone this weekend, and in the past few days. I'm not ignoring them, though I've responded to few or none of them. I'm just very busy, but I love reading them all the same :).

Second, if you want to be touched, read this beautiful letter that John Piper wrote for his wife on her birthday. You may want to pull out the tissues.

Hattip: YLCF

*throws confetti*

So, in case anyone did not see or figure out the reference in my last post, my brother is engaged!!!! Engaged to be married, that is :-). We're all extremely happy over here! Stephanie relates the proposal story over on her Xanga, for those interested, and she posted a picture of them :-D. I get to have a sister-in-law! And a very sweet one at that :). Hannah and I helped Ben pick out the ring while he was visiting over Christmas break :).

Thursdays of Thankfulness

Lydia is beginning a weekly series called Thursdays of Thankfulness, over at Renewed Day by Day. Make sure to go read the intro to the series, and I encourage you to participate. Maybe it's too late for you to write a post this week, but start thinking for next week! Thanksgiving in all things is definitely something we can all work on cultivating.

Here is my own submission for this week's Thursdays of Thankfulness:

~~~

Today I'm thankful for the many ways in the past two years that God has answered my prayers in ways I would not have wished. Yes, it sounds strange. But in the past few months I've specifically been reflecting on circumstances in my life over the past few years that definitely did not go according to my plans. Yet in the end I find myself praising God for His infinite wisdom.

Two years ago what I wanted more than just about anything was to drop out of college, find a different church, and marry and have kids. Yet today, I'm thankful that I did finish college in accordance with my parents' wishes, I'm thankful that I have the privilege of worshipping with the same body of believers, and I'm thankful for these past two years of singleness, during which God has grown and stretched me in unbelievable ways.

As I enthusiastically worked through two-column proofs with my students today, and as I saw the light in their eyes when they "got it," I was thankful for the opportunity to pass on my love of math to a new generation of students. Teaching is not what I would like to do with my whole life, but it is my calling now, and I rejoice in it. Yesterday, as I fellowshipped with the women from my church as we studied God's word together, I was thankful to God for these women in my life. And as I sat under the preaching of God's word this Sunday, I praised God for the truths He revealed through my pastor. As I now glance at my still-bare left ring finger, I thank God that I didn't marry right after college graduation, as I had long-hoped. I had so much to still learn! . . and the learning process is far from over. I thank Him for the valleys He has brought me through and the ways He has prepared me over the past few years, preparation I do still pray will be for marriage, but all in His time, according to His will.

I thank God for disappointed hopes and dreams, and then I thank Him for the brilliantly-lit silver lining among the "clouds." Today I'm thankful for the times when God, in His infinite wisdom, has answered me with a "no," when I begged Him for a "yes." Unsearchable is His wisdom, perfect are His plans. Amen and amen.